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Posts by Cornelius Vanguard
This won’t be too long. Don’t worry. In the spirit of doing 5-minute versions of great musicals, this podcast is shorter than normal. We’ll explore some ancient Judaic traditions, and some modern evangelical Christian theological notions. Do you believe in angels? If you don’t now, you will after this. Watch out for evil rodents.
Aspen won’t read this, and if he does, he won’t think it good. But I’m not a copyman; I’m a copy, man. We’re going to need to see some identification. Slow learners welcome, apparently. I’m a vet–erinarian. Our guest star refuses to take advantage of the forum we’re giving him. No plugs. Well, except the hair ones. Which’ll it be, hotternex.com? Quick, call snex! Gloves got teeth! Earth 2 U! Memphis doesn’t get it. BB King rides a Rascal. Myth busted! Kids, use rubbers!
This is like a jazz jam session. Word poetry. Aspen bums everyone out by not playing trombone well or fast enough, but then he does amazing trombone playing. Does music stimulate the body? Pace your consumption. Read the literature. And watch out you guys. Lube up the rail. Greasy-necked celebrities must be rated on a dichotomous scale. Do you guys like computer jokes? RIP Ernie Borgnine. Wu-Tang Clan is a bunch of Kung-Fu movie samples. Cornelius puns his way into a major career. Robert provides a faulty business model. Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Edith Piaf three-way! Plus Louis Armstrong/Anderson! HOT DOGS!
Sometimes even a genius errs. As when the tower leaned, or like how you aren’t able to tell if Mona Lisa is smiling. When things slow down, robot noises will disrupt everything. Welcome to our sponsor, BIG SALT. Don’t turn this into an inquisition! We get traffic reports. Rappers never die. They just refuse to stop calling themselves rappers. Eclipses change infographics. Cornelius writes some copy for the back of DVD/VHS boxes. Censorship is our business.
A special guest joins us for a run of shows. Until he dies. The audience grows at a literal geologic pace. Maybe Dr. Dre isn’t such a good guy. Let’s do an avant-garde music joke to kill the momentum. By the way, Cornelius is too loud in these next few episodes. Nothing can be done about it. You’ll live. In fact, you’ll thrive! Listen in for Chick-fil-A material. We don’t face one another. How is the room laid out?
A correct answer could get you a Lexus. We’re work-shopping our next project. A history of America that includes the racist parts. We don’t have to leave anything out! Aspen needs a new assistant. He’s 52. “Gladys, get on the horn!” “Who let the dogs out?” Sporty Spice is now. Prepositional humor abounds, but Aspen can’t hang. The Oxford comma RULES!
Granddaddy long legs gonna know if you smoke. It’s Cornelius’s special day. Silence is a form of content. There’s a gesture that indicates where you’re coming from. How do you compliment female coworkers? We’ve got the right phrase for you. We’re making it creepy. Aspen misnames Muppets. Cornelius does impressions–for the first and last time. Do you want to win the GRAND PRIZE!?! We’ve got the opportunity for you. Now, everyone greet each other.
Maybe Aspen has a smidge of talent after all. We insist on our favorite bit, which isn’t funny to others. People don’t get us. Maybe they’ll like candy puns. We need more Mikes. We read a children’s story with sound effects. Stop opposing veterans. NPR hilarity! Today our name is Grappling Snarkmerica.
Sausage making abounds at this sausage party. Aspen is a fine boy, but Cornelius has got to get the sea. He loves dueling pianos–as long as there are no survivors. Sometimes symbols matter more than actual things. The band has to dispose of lots of leftover gold. Listen up for the debrief. This time, I don’t mean Aspen taking his undies off. Grappling Snark has a diversity issue. Bob Rok has some feedback. We’re taking misogyny back! It’s a philosophical debate. School shootings are funny now?